I feeling like i'm failing, feeling like you are just shaking your head at me in disappointment.  I'll read my Bible and pray but my heart is closed. 

I could hardly get out of bed because I didn't want to face all of these thoughts and worries about the car, not having a way to get to ministry.  I went to my neighbor and she says "Becca, I have a word for you".  She began to read her devotion for that day and it was saying the Lord doesn't want you to focus on service for Him, she just wants you to come to Him...I burst into tears and went back to house and cried and prayed for hours. 

I've been hateful to you, I've been running from you for the last few days, and you say "COME".  You just want me to come to you.  Why would you want me, honestly?  I DON'T GET YOU.

The next morning my heart was open to Him but my mind defeated and again did not want to get up. I was praying but just continuing to beat myself up with thoughts of failure and being paralyzed with fear - fear of failing, fear of letting the girls down, fear of ruining my reputation with the schools, fear of disappointing the Lord...I mean literally i couldn't move.  Randomly, the pest control came to spray inside my house so I was forced out so i went to the neighbor's house until the smell went away.  I started telling her how fearful and how it was debilitating me and she told me of all these missionary women who had been calling her and overwhelmed with fear and thoughts of giving up.  Why is it that we feel better if we know we are not the only one going through something?  She said, Becca, go cover your mind in Scripture and truth and turn some worship music on.  When these defeating thoughts come back just stop, literally say "NO" outloud if you need to, and replace it with Scripture.  If the enemy knows this will stop you from being effective he'll continue, but when fear no longer has power over you, there's nothing he can do.  I know this what i'm suppossed to do, I've read enough Beth Moore books, i know this is what I'm suppossed to do but there was a gap between knowing and believing.

I referred to a book about overcoming fear and started turning to all the Scriptures and writing them on notecards.  I read them over and over and it felt as though this weight was being lifted from me but I physically felt like my head was being pressed in all sides so I just kept reading and praying through the Scriptures over and then after some time the pressure of my head started to release.  I pushed through this river of fear going upstream with lots of tears and clinging to the Lord (Psalm 63:8) but I pushed through and this fear that has been defeating me for the last few days but really the last few months has no power over me.  "You are my helper, I will not be afraid.  You did not give me a spirit of Fear but of power, love and a sound mind, you will give me peace in my mind if i trust in you.  You have not forsaken me, you have not left me.  Help me to trust in you so that I am helped.  I want to know you more so I can put my trust in you because you do not forsake me because I'm seeking you".  I'm amazed when i do what you tell me to, it works, I'm helped, my mind is at peace, you bring your presence.  I DON'T GET YOU.  Praise to the One I don't get, I don't understand.  What could you offer me if you thought like me and did things the way i did?

I felt like the war was not over but the battle was.  I was light, I was free, i was joyful again.  Fresh out of the battle I called a friend only to find out her electricity had been shut off because she couldn't pay the bill and she had been worrying about it all day.  "Go home, turn on some worship music, and submerge your mind in Scripture.  He is with you, He has never left you".  I told her i would text the Scriptures I had been meditating on.  "You are a star, Becca" she said "You have ministered so much to me".  I laughed and told her it wasn't me, that was so obvious!  Me would have been still laying in bed, beating myself up.  I DON'T GET YOU.  THAT'S WHAT IS SO FUN, YOU ARE A MYSTERY AND WILL ALWAYS REMAIN TO BE.