Honestly

A few entries ago i had promised that I would be processing being back home by writing a lot and would keep you updated on the journey.  For some reason i had assumed it would be filled with an assortment of emotions and I just kept waiting for joy and happiness to come so i could write when i felt “good”.  Instead it’s just been wrestling with the Lord, confusion, tears in the most inopportune times, missing my life in Swaziland and all those I love there so bad.  So if I can be honest, it’s hard.  I knew it was going to be hard but it is harder than i thought.  I can’t catch up with the American pace of life, i keep thinking “how did i ever do this before”?  Things are just overwhelming here – the pace, all the stuff, all the media overload, the abundance of choices, the subtle yet everday way society tells American women how they should look which all but 2 women fall short of and the rest of us hang our heads – just everything.  Everyone here has been so supportive and loving.  To be super cliche i say to all those who i’ve encountered since i’ve been here “it’s not you, it’s me”.  I happened to read a website of a friend who is still in Swaziland and I read they had a “chick night” with all the American women and she listed who was there and my heart sank.  Now to be honest again, they had several of these while i was there and i never actually made it to one but just the fact that i knew all my favorite people were together and continuing on in life over there (which they should).  I’ve also called Fufu, Phumlile, and Zabiba since i’ve been here and ministry is still going (Praise Him) and it’s like of course I want it to it’s just hard not to be a part of it.  At the same time i’m not really a part of what’s going on here either.  People have obviously continued living since i’ve been gone (Praise Him again) but since i’m not “doing anything” as of yet and my feelings of being overwhelmed have pretty much kept me in the house I feel like i’m standing still while things are going on in Swaziland and Bakersfield and I’m standing in between not fully involved in either.  I know I just need to give myself time but all this time has given me way too much time to think…So of course, some of you may be thinking “get a job” and of course i’m thinking that too but everytime I go to the Lord about it He keeps saying “wait, rest, be still”.  I’ve been soaking in Psalm 37 and reading Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne ( i recommend it but don’t read it if you don’t have plans of changing).  At the same time the Lord has given me little gifts to get through…